学生英语作文点评
高州中学 梁冠华
在最近的一次作文训练中，我让学生写了下面的一篇作文：请以“No pains, No gains”为题写一篇作文。写作提示：解释谚语；举例说明；结论。词数：150—250。
学生的习作如下：
No Pains, No Gains
As we all know, “no pains, no gains” is an influential proverb stressing the importance of hard working. It tells us that only by working hard can we achieve our goals, and on the contrary, the one who is lazy will never gain the things he wants.
Li Yundi is a famous pianist in the world. Most of us are amazed at his perfect performance, but few of us know how much time and energy he has spent in practising. He started playing the piano when he was only 5 years old. He never gave up practising even though he met difficulties. When other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching TV, he was playing the piano, totally absorbed in the beautiful music. He also took part in many competitions to improve his skills. Finally, he became world-famous when he won the champion in Chopin International Piano Competition, which is one of the best-known piano competitions in the world. And he is the first Chinese pianist to receive such a great honour.
Li Yundi would never become so successful if he didn’t practise so hard. And we wouldn’t gain what we want if we didn’t work hard. No pains, no gains. (209 words)
这是一篇好作文，好在哪里？在高中阶段，作文是好还是不好，评判标准是这篇文章在考试中是否能拿高分。在高考中，作文是否能获得高分，主要看两方面：一是语言，二是内容。
一、首先，我们看看这篇作文在语言表达方面的情况：
1、句子无错误
通观整篇文章，句子没有错误，或者说评卷老师在几十秒内很难找出错误。避免语法和拼写的低级错误，避免被扣印象分，是学生在写作文时要做的首要事情。语言表达无错误是作文拿高分的前提，是好文章的基本标准。
2、使用了较多的复合句
这篇文章用了12个从句，从而构成了大量的复合句：
(1)As we all know, “no pains, no gains” is an influential proverb stressing the importance of hard working.
(2)It tells us that only by working hard can we achieve our goals.
(3)…the one who is lazy will never gain the things he wants.
(4)…few of us know how much time and energy he has spent in practising.
(5)He started playing the piano when he was only 5 years old.
(6)He never gave up practising even though he met difficulties.
(7)When other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching TV, he was playing the piano…
(8)Finally, he became world-famous when he won the champion in Chopin International Piano Competition, which is one of the best-known piano competitions in the world.
(9)Li Yundi would never become so successful if he didn’t practise so hard.
(10) And we wouldn’t gain what we want if we didn’t work hard.
整篇文章共有13个句子，学生用了12个从句，表现出运用语言的高水平。高考评卷老师有一个默认的倾向，给比较多地恰当地运用主从复合句的文章打高分。
3、句式多种多样
(1)有9个词的简单句短句：Li Yundi is a famous pianist in the world.
(2)有25个词的复合句长句：When other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching TV, he was playing the piano, totally absorbed in the beautiful music.
(3)有分词短语结构：...an influential proverb stressing the importance of hard working./ When other children at the same age were playing games outside or watching TV, he was playing the piano, totally absorbed in the beautiful music.
(4)有动名词结构：He started playing the piano when he was only 5 years old./ He never gave up practising even though he met difficulties.
(5)有倒装句结构：It tells us that only by working hard can we achieve our goals...
(6)有虚拟语气结构：Li Yundi would never become so successful if he didn’t practise so hard./ And we wouldn’t gain what we want if we didn’t work hard.
这位学生采用多样化的句式进行表达，显示出较强的语言功底，大大提高了作文的档次。
4、使用关联词衔接句子
(1) ...and on the contrary, the one who is lazy will never gain the things he wants.
(2) ...but few of us know how much time and energy he has spent in practising.
(3) He also took part in many competitions to improve his skills.
(4) Finally, he became world-famous...
(5) And he is the first Chinese pianist...
(6) And we wouldn’t gain what we want...
通过使用顺序(finally)、并列(and)、转折(but, on the contrary)、补充(also)、说明、强调、因果、结论等连接词，进行句子和段落的衔接与拓展，使文章流畅和一气呵成，从而获得较高的评分。这位学生娴熟地运用了这些写作手段。
5、句子平均用词量显示较强的语言功底
全文13个句子，用词209个，平均每个句子用词16个。据统计，现代英语写作，专业写手每个句子的平均用词量是20—25个，而这位学生的平均用词量达到16个，虽然不及专业写手，但也显示出较强的语言功底，与专业写手平均用词量的差距并不遥远。
二、接着，我们看看这篇作文的内容：
这篇文章在第一段“解释谚语”中写道：谚语“不劳则无获”强调勤劳的重要性，只有勤劳才能实现目标，懒惰的人会一事无成。学生对谚语的意义把握准确，解释中肯。
在第二段“举例说明”部分，学生写著名钢琴家李云迪的成长经历：5岁学琴，遇困难不放弃，放弃同龄人的爱好而专心练琴，参加各种比赛，获得肖邦国际钢琴大赛冠军，成为国际知名钢琴好手，是中国获此殊荣的第一人。
在第三段“总结”部分，学生言简意赅，以“李云迪如果不如此勤奋努力就不会如此的成功”为铺垫，作出最后总结“不劳则无获”，回应文章主题。
作文，尤其是考场作文，对内容的取舍，一般的处理方法是这样的：不假思索就能想到的东西，绝对不要写；稍加思索想到的也不要写；花上几分钟，想别人想不到的内容来写。这篇文章选材与众不同，甚至出人意料，说明这位学生或阅读广泛，或生活经历丰富，而且深谙作文选材之道。“读书的厚度就是作文的深度”，“作文是生活经历的反映”。多读书，多参加课外活动，多参加社会实践活动，是得心应手地选材的前提。
总之，在语言表达方面，这篇文章有很多能获高分的亮点，在内容方面，选材独到，符合优秀作文的选材要求，是一篇好作文。
后记：
本学期快结束了，系列作文训练到了第30个话题。平时赶进度，难得有足够的时间对每次作文进行详细的评讲。藉学期课程结束之际，对本学期最后一次作文作一次深度的讲评，给学生指明作文的方向，望能对学生写好文章有帮助。